i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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