i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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