My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
