The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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