No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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