When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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