We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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