Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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