Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
