On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
