After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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