You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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