When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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