So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
