Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You are the jesus of drinking
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
