Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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