if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
