im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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