just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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