remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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