last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
