a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
