been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
