If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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