I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
God, I missed his penis.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
