the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Houston, we have a squirter
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
