She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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