dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
