what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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