Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
