The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
