Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
