I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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