im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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