My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
