Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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