I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
