I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
