Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
