I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
