peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
