im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
