I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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