and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
