He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
