Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
