when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
