i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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