he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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