ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
